I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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