what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize