I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
