just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
