i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
