found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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