HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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