he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
