I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
