Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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