he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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