my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
