Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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