if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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