Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
