I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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