I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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