Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
