I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
