I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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