Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
