Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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