just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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