meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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