i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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