So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize