we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
