Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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