god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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