i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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