Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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