Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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