I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
