R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
