So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
