you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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