I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
