I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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