he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize