I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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