i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
