We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
