Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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