I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
