Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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