Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
