You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
