I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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