Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
