I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
