did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
