just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
