Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
