dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize