her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
