he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
