I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
