There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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