Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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