Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
where are my eyebrows?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
