Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
