Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
