We're facebook friends in real life
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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