I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
