the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
